[Health] Totally Crazy

I just watched The Aviator today. I am glad I did so because it allowed me to learn more about Howard Hughs (especially from the reasearch afterwards) and I now respect him a lot—I like adding people to my cool list.

It got me thinking about myself and I decided to document and list my own neuroses and disorders. I have multiple (many) different nuroses and disorders but they are all mild forms. Some are stronger than others but they are all present. They appear to be in a strange little balance that allows them to keep each other in check, and to prevent them from getting out of control. For example, I may have a bout of OCD in a public place, but my social anxiety will prevent it from getting too out of control and causing me to attract attention by repeating the same words or actions over and over as much as a “normal” person with OCD would do.

Below is a list for posterity of my neuroses and disorders. I can not think of them all at the moment, especially since it has been a while since I studied psychology in University (particularly clinical psych). I will add to the list as I remember or discover them. I will also attempt to measure and quantify the extent to which I have them and whether they were developed or I was born with them.

  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (mostly obsession)
  • Social Anxiety Disorder (chronic shyness)
  • General Anxiety Disorder (overall anxiety and stress)
  • Paranoia (expecting bad things to happen)

Die Abschlussprüfung

Some time ago I began my descent into language. Over a year ago I saw an episode of Electric Playground in which the game Painkiller was reviewed. I was immediately hooked by the image of the Necrogiant and set out to play this fascinating game.

Soon, I had gotten a copy of the game and played it through. My system is not up to snuff so I had to play it with lower settings and slower than ideal but I got a pretty good feel for the game and thoroughly enjoyed it. I also played the Battle Out of Hell expansion and intend to play the sequel, due soon.

While I was playing, I sought help to get me through it faster, and especially in tricky parts. I found the Dreamcatcher forums where fans of the game would congregate to discuss it. I never registered because I patently refused to create yet another account for a forum for a mere game, a forum that as soon as I was done playing, would no longer frequent. And so I lurked. Such is the name given to people on the Internet who hang around a forum and view messages but never themselves post. In fact it got to the point that I felt that I knew most of the people there quite well, but quickly reminded myself that they don’t even know I exist since I have never posted even one message. Nevertheless, I felt familiar with several of the frequent posters and liked them, especially the ones who like myself enjoy cracking things open and looking inside.

There was one person in particular that I felt closest to. One man who goes by the handle Varus77 created an entire website where he posts in-game videos to demonstrate where and how to get secrets in the game, how to accomplish tricky maneuvers, and to point out interesting parts. The thing that most caught my attention—besides the quality of his videos—was that he was German. I have known many people on the Internet from all over the world, but I was particularly impressed by this one. Moreover, while he communicated in English very well and often, he did not refrain from using Deutsch by any means, and his website is bilingual. Not only did his website contain Deutsch, but his videos did as well, with some really interesting German music.

This is where my life began to change. I found his videos to be very good, but the music he added to them was especially well done. I posted to his guestbook to compliment him on his videos and to inquired about some of the songs. To my surprise, he emailed me personally and told me the artists and titles he used. He had used some great songs from the following groups: E Nomine (a German Christian-synth-rock group), Die Ärzte (a German punk-rock group), Fettes Brot (a German rap group), Nightwish (a Finnish operatic-goth-metal band), and Scala (a multi-lingual vocal cover choir). I got music from all of these groups and before long I was hooked.

It did not end there however. In my quest to obtain music from these groups, I ended up getting great music from others as well. While trying to get an E Nomine song, I mistakenly stumbled upon a couple of songs from the German pop singer Blümchen. While looking for Nightwish songs, I got a mislabeled song by Twilightning. And that cover choir Scala, well they had several great songs and I just had to see what the originals were like which led to Wolfsheim (German synth-pop band), mickey 3d (French rock group), Damien Saez (French rock singer), and Noir Désir (French folk band). I also checked out some others that I had known about like Rammstein (a German death-metal band) and became more attuned to notice new foreign music such as MC Solaar’s French rap from the series finale of Sex and the City, Yves Montand’s French folk song from an episode of South Park, and several French, Spanish, and Italian songs by Karl Zéro in an episode of X-Files. I even got a copy of the Japanese theme song to the Sega Saturn commercials featuring the character Segat Sanshiro (that’s such a great jingle!)

Soon after, I was so hooked on foreign music that I pretty much forsook North American music altogether; how could I listen to the regular garbage when European music offered me what I could no longer find here?

Unfortunately—or rather very, very fortunately—I was still not satisfied. Now being fully immersed in foreign music, I felt removed from my North American home. To further compound the situation, I became even closer to other countries in the form of the Internet. There is a well known website The Pirate Bay which provides torrent files which may or may not be used to violate copy-protection. Unlike most other sites of this nature however, TPB has not folded to American corporate pressure and to the contrary derides their efforts to shut them down. When I first saw their page with their insulting responses to the many cease and desist letters they receive, I could not help but enjoy their attitude and wanted to see this Sweden in which they felt so protected. Adding yet more fuel to the fire was my increased viewing of British shows on BBC. Watching the new seasons of Doctor Who and other shows has given me a taste of what life in England is like, which is very different from life in North America.

I now have extreme wanderlust rushing through my veins. I never imagined myself as the type to go “backpacking around Europe” and have in fact despised the very notion of skipping college to do so. Now however I want nothing more than to see all those little countries that hold such a fascination for me. I fully intend to move to Europe in the future for a protracted period of time, but for now there is much work to be done in North America.

I soon found myself longing to understand these wonderful foreign songs. I have always wanted to learn many languages but now had a stronger incentive than ever. I decided to start with German and before I knew what was happening, I had placed holds on a bunch of German learning books from the library and soon was learning a new language. In just a couple of days I had placed holds on Latin learning books as well because I had apparently thought that I could become fluent in German in one week and could then move on to Latin and so on. I accept that I am clearly a little too ambitious, but that is probably a good thing. I cancelled the holds on the latin books and got some more German. To seal the fact that this is not a transient phase, that I am serious, I even bought a great German dictionary from the used book store a couple of days ago.

I am now three weeks into learning German and despite not having made as much progress as I would have liked—which was ridiculous anyway—I am certain that objectively, I have made terrific progress and am on the right track and probably ahead of schedule. I am using both audio and text to learn. I am not only learning the language, but also the culture, and I find it to be absolutely gripping. One problem is to know when I am done learning. When can I consider the learning complete and move on to another language? I decided that this self-taught course I am going through will have as it’s final exam a movie. I will consider myself fluent in German and done with learning when I am able to watch and completely understand the film Das Boot in the original German. Wouldn’t you like a teacher like me? 🙂 I will not watch it until then. I got a copy of the movie this weekend and am really looking forward to watching it.

Better My Foot Than the Remote

I have on occasion been asked why I automatically stick my foot out to catch things that are dropped. My response is always the same; better my foot than the ___. My reasoning is simple: my foot will heal (for free) the object dropped will not. This is true, in most cases nothing occurs if I catch an object with my foot, for example if I catch a remote or eye/sun glasses or something, I have saved it from breaking with no repercussions. If the object is a little heavier, for example a video tape or clock, my foot may bruise or worst case scenario a bone will break but like I said my foot will heal whereas if I let the object fall and break it will have to be replaced at cost. Of course it depends on the object, I will catch something irreplaceable but not something I can just get another one of at the dollar store. Also, there are limits; I will not catch a dropped knife or a frozen bag of milk or turkey…unless of course my cats are beneath.

[Television] It Finally Feels Like Work

This 2005 season has turned out to be quite amazing. I never expected there to be much to watch this year especially since television has been rapidly declining in the past few years. It seems however that thanks to Lost and Desperate Housewives, television has been given new life and this season has lots of great shows. In fact we are a couple of months in and there have been surprisingly few cancellations.

I did my usual magic and managed to fit everything old and new into the schedule. This is officially the most packed television season I have ever had. I watch 45 different shows on a weekly basis amounting to 55 hours per week. I have to watch whatever I can live (3 hours each night) and tape and download the rest.

I never thought it would happen but I am growing tired of watching television. This is because I just don’t have the time to keep up with so many shows. Between 55 hours of television per week, work, and household duties, I have little time left to do all the other things I need to do. I have projects up the ying-yang being neglected, some of which are critical if I want to apply to a computer related job.

Further compounding the situation is that I am finding it difficult to simply listen to the shows while working on other things as I often do because the shows are just so good/complex/and so on; I actually have to sit there and watch it. Because I have little else to do while watching these shows, I find it excruciating to just sit there for hours on end; I need to multitask.

So now I find myself watching these shows each week, enjoying them but also waiting anxiously for them to be over. By the time I get through them all, the week is over and I have to start the whole process again the next day. It feels just like work.

[Society] Lost Child? No. Unfortunately Yes.

I just saw an article on Dateline about Davidito/Ricky Rodriguez who was born into the “Children of God” cult. He was sexually abused and brain-washed along with the other children and members. Of course they did not call it sexual abuse, they called it free love for all, including children—as young as three. Eventually he rebelled and was sent to “teen training” which involved hard labor and more abuse. Later, he left the church and tried to forget. He could not. He made a film where he poured out his heart and his hatred for the church—now called “The Family”—and his plan to track down his mother as well as the lengths he would go to to do so, including torture. He ended up murdering a friend of his mother’s after which—unable to live with what he had done—he shot himself.

I am incredibly impressed with this guy. Not because of his inability to put the past behind him and killing Angela Smith, but for his ability to tell right from wrong despite being brain-washed.

He grew up in a cult surrounded by hundreds, even thousands of crazy people who believed and taught that what they were doing is good and correct. Despite this he was able to realize that no, this is not good, this is not correct, in fact it is very wrong. I am impressed that he was able to say no, I don’t agree with all of you and I am leaving.

It is too bad that he could not get over the pain and that he had to die. I am sure that if someone could have encouraged him in time he would still be alive and helping others like himeself today.

[Health] No Smell and No Taste Makes Food A Dull Joy

Last week we had a few short days of cold in between the never-ending heat wave that started a couple of months ago. Apparently this short period was long enough for me to catch both a flu AND strep throat. My throat was extremely sore and had streaks of blood, my nose and sinus were congested with a painful vacuum inside my skull, my eyes hurt, my head hurt, I had muscle aches and pains, I was weak, drowsy, and had no energy. Basically I was a zombie, the living dead; wait no, zombies don’t have pain.

The worst part of it all was definitely the throat. My throat was so painful I could not even swallow my saliva let alone food, not that I could eat food anyway.

I managed to more-or-less heal my throat in less than two days—in less than three hours really. On Saturday my throat was awful, on Sunday it was worse. I then watched Heavenly Creatures from 1:00-3:30pm after which it was suddenly fine. I guess I just had to get my mind sufficiently distracted for a while; or maybe it was a heavenly miracle 🙂

Anyway, I still have massive congestion but recently discovered a much worse problem. It seems that I have lost my sense of smell and sense of taste. I don’t understand why having a cold could cause these senses to be lost now when I’ve had colds all my life without such effects. What’s scarier is that my mother also has a cold and is also experiencing a loss of smell and taste for the first time ever.

On Tuesday night we finally broke in the new deep-fryer. We made fish-and-chips. We deep fried up a batch of chips (fries) and began eating them while the second batch was cooking. Unfortunately it did not taste as good as we were hoping. We waived it off as a result of having snacked earlier or something. I nagged that the fries did not even taste like potatoes let alone the delicious deep-fried chips that I was expecting. I knew there was something wrong, but I thought it was because we were not doing it right and were killing the flavor somehow, maybe over cooking, or using the wrong oil or something.

We then fried up the fish and tried that. Again it was the blandest thing I had ever eaten. This time I remarked that we were obviously not doing it right and needed more practice because the food we were making was so bland that it was actually nullifying the taste of the tartar sauce and ketchup.

Yesterday I had some chicken salad for lunch and noticed that it had no flavor at all; actually I noticed that the pickles had no flavor which was extremely unusual because those pickles have a LOT of smell and taste. It suddenly dawned on me—I forgot to use the phrase “is it just me or…?”—that it really was just me. I did not notice at first because I knew from past experience that the salad was good but could not tell that I was not actually tasting it. For all we know the food on Tuesday was delicious but we could not tell because we had lost our sense of smell and taste.

I decided to conduct a test. I went around the kitchen and smelled everything; the pickle jar, the vinegar, mustard, hot peppers, soy sauce, everything. Not a single item had any smell whatsoever. I then tried tasting them. I swallowed some soy sauce, salt, lemon, vinegar, pickled peppers, mustard, barbecue sauce, chocolate, sugar, everything. Not a single item had any taste whatsoever.

I was scared out of my mind. I have never experience such a thing before. NOTHING HAD ANY SMELL OR TASTE!!!

Since yesterday I have wasted a little food just because my stomach hurt. I say wasted because I could very well have filled my stomach by eating cardboard, I did not enjoy the food at all.

It’s been almost a week since this started and about four days since I noticed it. I am anxiously waiting for it to end so that I can eat again. On the bright side I have finally broken 180 again and am at 178.5 lbs.

Fascinating how smell and taste are so connected and how memory has so much influence on them. It is also interesting how a large part of hunger is mental. I wonder why Selma Bouvier is so fat.

(*UPDATE*)
My senses of taste and smell returned after about a week and I lost them again one or two times in the following year. I suspect that it may have been stress-induced. Thankfully they have not yet failed since then.

Misadventures In Fake Files

I just had a funny experience that I thought others might like. I recently downloaded what I thought was a RAR file containing some MP3s. I soon realized that was not the case.

I checked the file with a hex editor to try to determine what the file type was but could not find any discernable signatures with which to identify it.

On a whim I renamed the 64MB .RAR file to .MP3 and dropped it into XMPlay. Lo and behold I could hear music—albeit rather garbled. I put it aside for a few days thinking I’d try and figure it out later.

Last night I tried renaming and dropping other file types into XMPlay to see what the results were (WAV, EXE, etc.) but they did not do the same thing. I then tried dropping the renamed RAR file into WMP to see if it could play it like XMP did but was surprised to see video playing (and clear audio).

It turned out that the file was an MPEG video—surprise, surprise, a porn video; not even close to what I hoped it was—with MPEG-1 video and (44100Hz, 224KB/s, Stereo, 6:27, MPEG-1, Layer 2) audio.

I guess it sort of makes sense that XMPlay was able to play the audio part although XMP displayed little information about the file (just that it was 44100Hz). MP3-Info gave more information although other than the frequency it was all wrong (44100Hz, 160KB/s, Stereo, 56:10, MPEG-2.5,Layer -).

It was annoying to not get what I was hoping for but it was still a fun learning experience. 🙂

Even Birds Have To Shout

As I sit here with my window open I keep getting distracted by the birds. There is a tree fairly close to my window so sometimes birds sit there and chirp just a few feet from my head, so I really notice it. However when I pay attention, I realize that all the birds seem to be chirping very, very loudly. I suspect they are indeed chirping louder than they did a few decades ago, most likely in response to the increasingly louder society that humans have made. With all the noise that humans make with their mouths, televisions, cars, and such, it makes sense that birds have to shout. While the birds may be quite loud, they pale in comparison to the even louder, never-ending noise of cars constantly passing by.

[Personal – Social] Stupid Microsoft, Social Phobia, LTC

Microsoft’s Last Developer Standing contest is in full swing and they screwed me and screwed me up. Module 2 closed Sunday, May 29th at 11:59pm. I was annoyed at this both because I missed it by an hour and because it got the idea that Monday was the last day of the month. Today (Tuesday) which is still May I got flack from two (2!) bus drivers that my bus pass is invalid. I have been thinking for the past two days that today is June (and that I have to bring my watch’s date forward one day) so I left my May bus pass at home and got a ride today. I picked up the June bus pass and merrily got on a bus. The guy told me that it’s not valid yet. He let me get on anyway. Unfortunately I was on the wrong bus. Thanks to my social phobia I was trying to avoid making small with a guy so I got on the 6 thinking I’d got to the University and transfer. Once on the bus I was panicking because I not only had to get on another bus with a not-yet-valid pass, but the stupid LTC cuts the hours for the bus that takes me home waaaay back for the summer. I got to the University and sat there for 45 minutes, praying that when/if the bus does eventually show up, the driver will get out (to get a drink, chat with another driver, whatever), or that they’ll ignore it and let me on, or at the very least that there will be so many people getting on that he won’t notice. No such luck, not only did he notice, I think he even said sorry, or too bad or something like that. Either way there was another guy behind me asking him where he’s going so I kind of just shuffled on anyway and he didn’t say anymore. The ride was most uncomfortable but I eventually made it. Bleh!

[Personal] I Need An Assistant

Well it was bound to happen. I have offically caved in under my work-loads. I just have too much to do. I need to update the Celebrity Dead Ringers site, I have to continue creating the new Synetech inc. site, I have several programming projects in the works a few of which are high priority, I have TONS of files to sift through and organize which in and of itself is at this point a monumental task, I have to create a whole newly structured GameBoot disc, I have to continue looking for work in this crappy no-job town, I have a class that I go to (the rest have all been dropped for various reasons, one of which was actually quite a surprise), and I have dozens of movies I need to watch soon. There just aren’t enough hours in the day nor enough energy on the planet to get me through all these tasks.

As much as I loath the idea of pawning off my work on others people (because I crave the credit myself) I realize that I do in fact need an assistant to help with some of these tasks. I just don’t have the concentration needed to get through all this without getting distracted and ending up creating a whole new task.

*** If anyone would like to help me out with some things let me know. ***